Tuesday, December 1, 2009

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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I am in over my head

Have you ever felt like you were drowning? Yea, that's where I am these days. I am dealing with something pretty huge and I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone about it because the backlash would be insane. But I am at the point I can't keep it in much longer either. I am drowning in emotions and pain. I can't figure out which way is up and which way is down. I want so desperatly to go up, but everytime I see the light this thing gets in the way and blocks the light. I am scared, lost and confused. I want to get away from it all but have no way out. I feel like I am serving life without the possibility of parole. I keep telling myself that God will get me through it and He will stop it, but so far He hasn't. He keeps standing back and letting it happen. I am afraid that one of these days it's going to be too late for me fix the problem myself because my faith keeps telling me to let God handle it. I am beginning to wonder if maybe I have pushed God away too much in the past. Maybe he doesn't want to help me since I wouldn't believe in him when I should have. So much of the past I believed when I was scared. But I haven't been for a while now. My faith hasn't waivered one bit, I mean sure I get upset/angry with God, but who doesn't every now and then? It's hard to believe in something when you aren't sure what is comming around the corner (I know, I know that is faith, but you get the idea). I am just begging for Him to show me the way to fix this but He doesn't seem to hear me. Maybe the answer is so simple that I am missing it completely (wouldn't be the first time on that either). I know most of you who read this are prayer-type people. I am asking that you will pray for me. I know it's an odd request, but please pray for an end to this, I don't know how much more I can take.

Monday, September 7, 2009

not sure how I feel

Well, Greg's plane is scheduled to land in 5 hours and 5 minutes and I am not sure how I feel about it. While I can't go in to the details of why he is coming home early, it's just becoming a pain in my ass. I want to see him, don't get me wrong but I am not sure really what I am thinking or feelling. I am actually midly depressed that he is coming home early. I have so much going on in my head right now that I was really counting on that extra month to process all of my thoughts, feelings and emotions. It was one of the reasons I was looking forward to him deploying. We needed the break from each other so we could both think. He seems to think that since we had 6 weeks apart everything will be hunky dory when he comes home and I know better. I hate having to sweep the problems under the rug because he doesn't want to face them and that's what he wants to do again. According to him we should just pretend that we haven't had the problems we have had and just start new. Ok, easier said then done when we never dealt with the problems we had! I want to correct a problem before I try to move past it, but it seems like we never can or will. I am just going to go fucking crazy if I can't fix a problem that needs to be fixed!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Odd things

These past couple of days has been really weird for me. Thanks to the wonderful world of myspace I have gotten in touch with a couple of people that I haven't talked to in years. The first one Jeremy, I haven't seen or spoken to in about 7 or 8 years. We dated for a couple of months when I was in college. It was nice catching up with him and hearing how he was doing. And of course we fell back into our friendship with ease and laughed and joked about sexy fireman. Then, being the smartass that I can be, decided to add Josh as a friend, figuring he wouldn't add me because he hated me so much (and his wife was very insecure about me since she knew the magnetic pull we once had to each other). Well, he did add me and when I sent him a message asking him how he was doing and about his wife and family he responded telling me to call him. Hesitantly, I did. Well, it was very interesting and enlighting. We talked off and on most of the day and he told me what was going on in his life. It was nice getting to catch up with him. And the best part is, I think the spell has finally been broken! Every time him and I broke up when we dated, I hesitated talking to him again because I knew that old feelings would get brought back up and things that shouldn't happen would happen. Well, this whole time of talking to him, NOTHING came back. I am at peace with everything that ever happened between us. It was nice being able to talk to him without thinking what if this had happened or what if that or why didn't I or why did I. He is having a rough time right now and I have been in his shoes. The only difference is when I was going through it I never had anyone tell me "it's normal to feel that way" or "it's ok to be upset or hurt right now". And if I can provide that for him, I gladly will. We did talk about the past a little bit, and laughed about stupid things we did or said and some of the good times we had. But never once asked the dumb question one of us used to always ask which was "do you ever wonder what if ________?" (any number of things would be in that blank). We both have grown up and know that our relationship was a volitile relationship. Together we were like pouring gas on a fire. It's hard to believe that we dated off and on for almost 6 years! I always worried about talking to him about what could happen, but not anymore. I am still not 110% convinced that if given the opprotunity to be alone if I would do it just because I know our history (sorry to say it, but hell he was good in bed and that's where we always ened up...lol), but I am certain that I have no left over feelings or wonderings in my mind. *sigh* I think I am going a bit looney!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I just can't anymore

In the past several hours, I have come to some realizations about myself that I don't know how to fix. I have realized that I open my heart to anyone that wants me to, which results in me getting my heart broken over and over by family, friends, and my husband. I can't take it anymore. I hate feeling that I have no control because I want to help everyone and do what ever anyone wants me to do. I open my heart because I care about people and instead it becomes an open invitation to treat me however people want to. I am hurting so bad anymore. I never feel happy anymore. I feel lost, confused and alone. I know there are a few people out there that understand how I feel, but I can't bring myself to try to talk to them about it. I keep alot of things about myself inside me and this is why. I hate feeling vunerable. I have sat here for the past 2 hours on the verge of crying over stupid shit that I can't deal with anymore. I know it is my own fault for putting myself in these situations, but I can't seem to stop. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop. There is a handful of people in my life that I care deeply about, but shouldn't let in my life but I do anyways. Recently, I let someone come into my life that I know I shouldn't have, but did anyways. And guess what happened? I got stomped on. It hurts more than I care to think about. Everytime this happens it opens up old wounds and dumps salt in them. I realized that I am constantly looking for attention in some way, shape or form. And I figured out why. Becuase growing up, no one ever really noticed me except when I was in trouble, then as a teenager guys only noticed me to have sex, and in my marriage my husband only notices me when he is not distracted by a video game or has nothing better to do with his time. I want some one to notice me and really notice me. Not because I am someone's wife, mother, daughter, or sister has it has been my whole life. It is stupid and selfish of me to say, but I never have been able to be just me. I have always had someone around me that identified me. And I am one screwed up person because of it. As much as I love my kids, I know that I should have never had them. How can I be a mother to them and show them how to be themselves and take care of themselves when I have no clue on how to take care of myself or be my own person? I just want to get away. I need to get away. But I can't. I need to take time for myself, but because of my kids that's not possible. There is not a person on this planet that will take my kids for a weekend just so I can get some alone time to think. It hurts me when I hear people talk about how their parents or in-laws take their kids for a weekend or hell, a night and I look at my mom or my in-laws and know that niether one would. My mom would take Lizzie but she refuses to take Jessiah and my mother-in-law would take them both if she knew how to take care of Lizzie but she doesn't, so I don't really hold that against her. I am just tired of feeling invisible. Why can't people look at me and really see me? I love my husband, but it's getting to the point I am asking myself, what is the point? We don't have a marriage. We spend 0 time together, unless we are going to bed (which involves going to bed, talking for 5 minutes, and going to sleep). My marriage seems more like 2 roomates that live together and have sex every once in a great while. That's it. We have no intimate connection, and I can't get him to see that intimacy (other than sex) is an important part of a relationship. I am tired of feeling like a shadow in my own life. When is it going to end? I don't know how to break out of it. I have tried for years and each time fail miserably. I think all of this combined together is why I constantly cross boundry lines with certain people. Thankfully I have never crossed the biggest boundry line there is, but in the past year or so I can say that if I was ever given the opprotunity, I probably would (and would regret it later, but that's not the point). Thankfully the people that I could potentially cross that line with aren't afraid to slap on the back of the head and bring back to reality and won't let me cross that line. I am just so over feeling like this and I swear to God, I am going to find a way out of this shit even if it kills me. I just can't take it anymore, 29 years of this shit is way to many.

Friday, August 7, 2009

1 down, 10,000 To go

Well, I have been working on these longies for Jess for x-mas for weeks. I got one leg done and just ran out of steam. The second leg took FOREVER! But they are done, and I am so overly proud of them! They turned out amazing! Whew! That is one knitting project down for x-mas, now I only have about 10,000 more to go! Slippers for lizzie and all my neices, a dress for emma, and still yet to do is all of Jess's winter longies! UGH! I have so much to do and so little time left to do it!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Don't send your kid to a catholic school then

There is this person that I know that isn't catholic (nothing wrong with that, btw) and sends her child to a Catholic school. Whenever I talk to her (which thankfully lately isn't that often) all she does is complain about how she doesn't want her kid using the catholic prayers, and learning the catholic faith. Um hello? Didn't YOU make the choice to send your kid to Catholic school? There are several other options for private schools in this area, why not choose one of them? She found out what teacher her child was going to have a threw a fit because this teacher has the kids saying Hail Mary's, Praying the Rosary, Prayers of Patron Saints, etc. She even said she didn't like it that there were pictures of the Pope and crucifixes in the classrooms and the statue of Mary in the courtyard shouldn't be there. I mean really if you don't want your kid to learn these things why are you sending them to a CATHOLIC school. She said that there is supposed to be seperations in church and state, which is true....IN A PUBLIC STATE/FEDERALLY FUNDED SCHOOL! I just can't understand why you would send your child to a Catholic school and not expect the Catholic religion to be a part of the education. Part of the Catholic education is preparing the kids for First Reconciliation, First Communion and eventually confirmation into the Catholic Church. The staff at St. Mary's does a very good job in explaining how the education is based around the Catholic Faith. I mean to me it is common sense if you send your kid to a Catholic school, Catholic or not they are going to learn about the Catholic faith and follow Catholic beliefs. Right? Or am I just out of my mind?