Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I just can't anymore

In the past several hours, I have come to some realizations about myself that I don't know how to fix. I have realized that I open my heart to anyone that wants me to, which results in me getting my heart broken over and over by family, friends, and my husband. I can't take it anymore. I hate feeling that I have no control because I want to help everyone and do what ever anyone wants me to do. I open my heart because I care about people and instead it becomes an open invitation to treat me however people want to. I am hurting so bad anymore. I never feel happy anymore. I feel lost, confused and alone. I know there are a few people out there that understand how I feel, but I can't bring myself to try to talk to them about it. I keep alot of things about myself inside me and this is why. I hate feeling vunerable. I have sat here for the past 2 hours on the verge of crying over stupid shit that I can't deal with anymore. I know it is my own fault for putting myself in these situations, but I can't seem to stop. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop. There is a handful of people in my life that I care deeply about, but shouldn't let in my life but I do anyways. Recently, I let someone come into my life that I know I shouldn't have, but did anyways. And guess what happened? I got stomped on. It hurts more than I care to think about. Everytime this happens it opens up old wounds and dumps salt in them. I realized that I am constantly looking for attention in some way, shape or form. And I figured out why. Becuase growing up, no one ever really noticed me except when I was in trouble, then as a teenager guys only noticed me to have sex, and in my marriage my husband only notices me when he is not distracted by a video game or has nothing better to do with his time. I want some one to notice me and really notice me. Not because I am someone's wife, mother, daughter, or sister has it has been my whole life. It is stupid and selfish of me to say, but I never have been able to be just me. I have always had someone around me that identified me. And I am one screwed up person because of it. As much as I love my kids, I know that I should have never had them. How can I be a mother to them and show them how to be themselves and take care of themselves when I have no clue on how to take care of myself or be my own person? I just want to get away. I need to get away. But I can't. I need to take time for myself, but because of my kids that's not possible. There is not a person on this planet that will take my kids for a weekend just so I can get some alone time to think. It hurts me when I hear people talk about how their parents or in-laws take their kids for a weekend or hell, a night and I look at my mom or my in-laws and know that niether one would. My mom would take Lizzie but she refuses to take Jessiah and my mother-in-law would take them both if she knew how to take care of Lizzie but she doesn't, so I don't really hold that against her. I am just tired of feeling invisible. Why can't people look at me and really see me? I love my husband, but it's getting to the point I am asking myself, what is the point? We don't have a marriage. We spend 0 time together, unless we are going to bed (which involves going to bed, talking for 5 minutes, and going to sleep). My marriage seems more like 2 roomates that live together and have sex every once in a great while. That's it. We have no intimate connection, and I can't get him to see that intimacy (other than sex) is an important part of a relationship. I am tired of feeling like a shadow in my own life. When is it going to end? I don't know how to break out of it. I have tried for years and each time fail miserably. I think all of this combined together is why I constantly cross boundry lines with certain people. Thankfully I have never crossed the biggest boundry line there is, but in the past year or so I can say that if I was ever given the opprotunity, I probably would (and would regret it later, but that's not the point). Thankfully the people that I could potentially cross that line with aren't afraid to slap on the back of the head and bring back to reality and won't let me cross that line. I am just so over feeling like this and I swear to God, I am going to find a way out of this shit even if it kills me. I just can't take it anymore, 29 years of this shit is way to many.

No comments:

Post a Comment