Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I am in over my head

Have you ever felt like you were drowning? Yea, that's where I am these days. I am dealing with something pretty huge and I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone about it because the backlash would be insane. But I am at the point I can't keep it in much longer either. I am drowning in emotions and pain. I can't figure out which way is up and which way is down. I want so desperatly to go up, but everytime I see the light this thing gets in the way and blocks the light. I am scared, lost and confused. I want to get away from it all but have no way out. I feel like I am serving life without the possibility of parole. I keep telling myself that God will get me through it and He will stop it, but so far He hasn't. He keeps standing back and letting it happen. I am afraid that one of these days it's going to be too late for me fix the problem myself because my faith keeps telling me to let God handle it. I am beginning to wonder if maybe I have pushed God away too much in the past. Maybe he doesn't want to help me since I wouldn't believe in him when I should have. So much of the past I believed when I was scared. But I haven't been for a while now. My faith hasn't waivered one bit, I mean sure I get upset/angry with God, but who doesn't every now and then? It's hard to believe in something when you aren't sure what is comming around the corner (I know, I know that is faith, but you get the idea). I am just begging for Him to show me the way to fix this but He doesn't seem to hear me. Maybe the answer is so simple that I am missing it completely (wouldn't be the first time on that either). I know most of you who read this are prayer-type people. I am asking that you will pray for me. I know it's an odd request, but please pray for an end to this, I don't know how much more I can take.

Monday, September 7, 2009

not sure how I feel

Well, Greg's plane is scheduled to land in 5 hours and 5 minutes and I am not sure how I feel about it. While I can't go in to the details of why he is coming home early, it's just becoming a pain in my ass. I want to see him, don't get me wrong but I am not sure really what I am thinking or feelling. I am actually midly depressed that he is coming home early. I have so much going on in my head right now that I was really counting on that extra month to process all of my thoughts, feelings and emotions. It was one of the reasons I was looking forward to him deploying. We needed the break from each other so we could both think. He seems to think that since we had 6 weeks apart everything will be hunky dory when he comes home and I know better. I hate having to sweep the problems under the rug because he doesn't want to face them and that's what he wants to do again. According to him we should just pretend that we haven't had the problems we have had and just start new. Ok, easier said then done when we never dealt with the problems we had! I want to correct a problem before I try to move past it, but it seems like we never can or will. I am just going to go fucking crazy if I can't fix a problem that needs to be fixed!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Odd things

These past couple of days has been really weird for me. Thanks to the wonderful world of myspace I have gotten in touch with a couple of people that I haven't talked to in years. The first one Jeremy, I haven't seen or spoken to in about 7 or 8 years. We dated for a couple of months when I was in college. It was nice catching up with him and hearing how he was doing. And of course we fell back into our friendship with ease and laughed and joked about sexy fireman. Then, being the smartass that I can be, decided to add Josh as a friend, figuring he wouldn't add me because he hated me so much (and his wife was very insecure about me since she knew the magnetic pull we once had to each other). Well, he did add me and when I sent him a message asking him how he was doing and about his wife and family he responded telling me to call him. Hesitantly, I did. Well, it was very interesting and enlighting. We talked off and on most of the day and he told me what was going on in his life. It was nice getting to catch up with him. And the best part is, I think the spell has finally been broken! Every time him and I broke up when we dated, I hesitated talking to him again because I knew that old feelings would get brought back up and things that shouldn't happen would happen. Well, this whole time of talking to him, NOTHING came back. I am at peace with everything that ever happened between us. It was nice being able to talk to him without thinking what if this had happened or what if that or why didn't I or why did I. He is having a rough time right now and I have been in his shoes. The only difference is when I was going through it I never had anyone tell me "it's normal to feel that way" or "it's ok to be upset or hurt right now". And if I can provide that for him, I gladly will. We did talk about the past a little bit, and laughed about stupid things we did or said and some of the good times we had. But never once asked the dumb question one of us used to always ask which was "do you ever wonder what if ________?" (any number of things would be in that blank). We both have grown up and know that our relationship was a volitile relationship. Together we were like pouring gas on a fire. It's hard to believe that we dated off and on for almost 6 years! I always worried about talking to him about what could happen, but not anymore. I am still not 110% convinced that if given the opprotunity to be alone if I would do it just because I know our history (sorry to say it, but hell he was good in bed and that's where we always ened up...lol), but I am certain that I have no left over feelings or wonderings in my mind. *sigh* I think I am going a bit looney!