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I am in over my head

Have you ever felt like you were drowning? Yea, that's where I am these days. I am dealing with something pretty huge and I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone about it because the backlash would be insane. But I am at the point I can't keep it in much longer either. I am drowning in emotions and pain. I can't figure out which way is up and which way is down. I want so desperatly to go up, but everytime I see the light this thing gets in the way and blocks the light. I am scared, lost and confused. I want to get away from it all but have no way out. I feel like I am serving life without the possibility of parole. I keep telling myself that God will get me through it and He will stop it, but so far He hasn't. He keeps standing back and letting it happen. I am afraid that one of these days it's going to be too late for me fix the problem myself because my faith keeps telling me to let God handle it. I am beginning to wonder if maybe I have pushed God away too much in the past. Maybe he doesn't want to help me since I wouldn't believe in him when I should have. So much of the past I believed when I was scared. But I haven't been for a while now. My faith hasn't waivered one bit, I mean sure I get upset/angry with God, but who doesn't every now and then? It's hard to believe in something when you aren't sure what is comming around the corner (I know, I know that is faith, but you get the idea). I am just begging for Him to show me the way to fix this but He doesn't seem to hear me. Maybe the answer is so simple that I am missing it completely (wouldn't be the first time on that either). I know most of you who read this are prayer-type people. I am asking that you will pray for me. I know it's an odd request, but please pray for an end to this, I don't know how much more I can take.

not sure how I feel

Well, Greg's plane is scheduled to land in 5 hours and 5 minutes and I am not sure how I feel about it. While I can't go in to the details of why he is coming home early, it's just becoming a pain in my ass. I want to see him, don't get me wrong but I am not sure really what I am thinking or feelling. I am actually midly depressed that he is coming home early. I have so much going on in my head right now that I was really counting on that extra month to process all of my thoughts, feelings and emotions. It was one of the reasons I was looking forward to him deploying. We needed the break from each other so we could both think. He seems to think that since we had 6 weeks apart everything will be hunky dory when he comes home and I know better. I hate having to sweep the problems under the rug because he doesn't want to face them and that's what he wants to do again. According to him we should just pretend that we haven't had the problems we have had and just start new. Ok, easier said then done when we never dealt with the problems we had! I want to correct a problem before I try to move past it, but it seems like we never can or will. I am just going to go fucking crazy if I can't fix a problem that needs to be fixed!

Odd things

These past couple of days has been really weird for me. Thanks to the wonderful world of myspace I have gotten in touch with a couple of people that I haven't talked to in years. The first one Jeremy, I haven't seen or spoken to in about 7 or 8 years. We dated for a couple of months when I was in college. It was nice catching up with him and hearing how he was doing. And of course we fell back into our friendship with ease and laughed and joked about sexy fireman. Then, being the smartass that I can be, decided to add Josh as a friend, figuring he wouldn't add me because he hated me so much (and his wife was very insecure about me since she knew the magnetic pull we once had to each other). Well, he did add me and when I sent him a message asking him how he was doing and about his wife and family he responded telling me to call him. Hesitantly, I did. Well, it was very interesting and enlighting. We talked off and on most of the day and he told me what was going on in his life. It was nice getting to catch up with him. And the best part is, I think the spell has finally been broken! Every time him and I broke up when we dated, I hesitated talking to him again because I knew that old feelings would get brought back up and things that shouldn't happen would happen. Well, this whole time of talking to him, NOTHING came back. I am at peace with everything that ever happened between us. It was nice being able to talk to him without thinking what if this had happened or what if that or why didn't I or why did I. He is having a rough time right now and I have been in his shoes. The only difference is when I was going through it I never had anyone tell me "it's normal to feel that way" or "it's ok to be upset or hurt right now". And if I can provide that for him, I gladly will. We did talk about the past a little bit, and laughed about stupid things we did or said and some of the good times we had. But never once asked the dumb question one of us used to always ask which was "do you ever wonder what if ________?" (any number of things would be in that blank). We both have grown up and know that our relationship was a volitile relationship. Together we were like pouring gas on a fire. It's hard to believe that we dated off and on for almost 6 years! I always worried about talking to him about what could happen, but not anymore. I am still not 110% convinced that if given the opprotunity to be alone if I would do it just because I know our history (sorry to say it, but hell he was good in bed and that's where we always ened up...lol), but I am certain that I have no left over feelings or wonderings in my mind. *sigh* I think I am going a bit looney!

I just can't anymore

In the past several hours, I have come to some realizations about myself that I don't know how to fix. I have realized that I open my heart to anyone that wants me to, which results in me getting my heart broken over and over by family, friends, and my husband. I can't take it anymore. I hate feeling that I have no control because I want to help everyone and do what ever anyone wants me to do. I open my heart because I care about people and instead it becomes an open invitation to treat me however people want to. I am hurting so bad anymore. I never feel happy anymore. I feel lost, confused and alone. I know there are a few people out there that understand how I feel, but I can't bring myself to try to talk to them about it. I keep alot of things about myself inside me and this is why. I hate feeling vunerable. I have sat here for the past 2 hours on the verge of crying over stupid shit that I can't deal with anymore. I know it is my own fault for putting myself in these situations, but I can't seem to stop. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop. There is a handful of people in my life that I care deeply about, but shouldn't let in my life but I do anyways. Recently, I let someone come into my life that I know I shouldn't have, but did anyways. And guess what happened? I got stomped on. It hurts more than I care to think about. Everytime this happens it opens up old wounds and dumps salt in them. I realized that I am constantly looking for attention in some way, shape or form. And I figured out why. Becuase growing up, no one ever really noticed me except when I was in trouble, then as a teenager guys only noticed me to have sex, and in my marriage my husband only notices me when he is not distracted by a video game or has nothing better to do with his time. I want some one to notice me and really notice me. Not because I am someone's wife, mother, daughter, or sister has it has been my whole life. It is stupid and selfish of me to say, but I never have been able to be just me. I have always had someone around me that identified me. And I am one screwed up person because of it. As much as I love my kids, I know that I should have never had them. How can I be a mother to them and show them how to be themselves and take care of themselves when I have no clue on how to take care of myself or be my own person? I just want to get away. I need to get away. But I can't. I need to take time for myself, but because of my kids that's not possible. There is not a person on this planet that will take my kids for a weekend just so I can get some alone time to think. It hurts me when I hear people talk about how their parents or in-laws take their kids for a weekend or hell, a night and I look at my mom or my in-laws and know that niether one would. My mom would take Lizzie but she refuses to take Jessiah and my mother-in-law would take them both if she knew how to take care of Lizzie but she doesn't, so I don't really hold that against her. I am just tired of feeling invisible. Why can't people look at me and really see me? I love my husband, but it's getting to the point I am asking myself, what is the point? We don't have a marriage. We spend 0 time together, unless we are going to bed (which involves going to bed, talking for 5 minutes, and going to sleep). My marriage seems more like 2 roomates that live together and have sex every once in a great while. That's it. We have no intimate connection, and I can't get him to see that intimacy (other than sex) is an important part of a relationship. I am tired of feeling like a shadow in my own life. When is it going to end? I don't know how to break out of it. I have tried for years and each time fail miserably. I think all of this combined together is why I constantly cross boundry lines with certain people. Thankfully I have never crossed the biggest boundry line there is, but in the past year or so I can say that if I was ever given the opprotunity, I probably would (and would regret it later, but that's not the point). Thankfully the people that I could potentially cross that line with aren't afraid to slap on the back of the head and bring back to reality and won't let me cross that line. I am just so over feeling like this and I swear to God, I am going to find a way out of this shit even if it kills me. I just can't take it anymore, 29 years of this shit is way to many.

1 down, 10,000 To go

Well, I have been working on these longies for Jess for x-mas for weeks. I got one leg done and just ran out of steam. The second leg took FOREVER! But they are done, and I am so overly proud of them! They turned out amazing! Whew! That is one knitting project down for x-mas, now I only have about 10,000 more to go! Slippers for lizzie and all my neices, a dress for emma, and still yet to do is all of Jess's winter longies! UGH! I have so much to do and so little time left to do it!

Don't send your kid to a catholic school then

There is this person that I know that isn't catholic (nothing wrong with that, btw) and sends her child to a Catholic school. Whenever I talk to her (which thankfully lately isn't that often) all she does is complain about how she doesn't want her kid using the catholic prayers, and learning the catholic faith. Um hello? Didn't YOU make the choice to send your kid to Catholic school? There are several other options for private schools in this area, why not choose one of them? She found out what teacher her child was going to have a threw a fit because this teacher has the kids saying Hail Mary's, Praying the Rosary, Prayers of Patron Saints, etc. She even said she didn't like it that there were pictures of the Pope and crucifixes in the classrooms and the statue of Mary in the courtyard shouldn't be there. I mean really if you don't want your kid to learn these things why are you sending them to a CATHOLIC school. She said that there is supposed to be seperations in church and state, which is true....IN A PUBLIC STATE/FEDERALLY FUNDED SCHOOL! I just can't understand why you would send your child to a Catholic school and not expect the Catholic religion to be a part of the education. Part of the Catholic education is preparing the kids for First Reconciliation, First Communion and eventually confirmation into the Catholic Church. The staff at St. Mary's does a very good job in explaining how the education is based around the Catholic Faith. I mean to me it is common sense if you send your kid to a Catholic school, Catholic or not they are going to learn about the Catholic faith and follow Catholic beliefs. Right? Or am I just out of my mind?

Born in the wrong era

I really am beginning to think that I was born in the wrong era of time. Since Jess was born I have really gotten into alot of the natural lifestyle. Of course I have always been a big advocate for breast feeding as long as you can and believing in yourself and your body for a natural birth but I have dove so much farther. I started with attachment parenting, moved to cloth diapers, then added in homemade baby food and I started knitting. That wasn't enough for me. I started dyeing my own yarn to create my own one of a kind colors for pants for Jess. Now I have also started knitting things like dresses for my neice and comfy slippers for my family. My newest obsession? Spinning yarn. It looks so easy and like so much fun. I can't wait for my spindle to get here so that I can start spinning. I wish I could afford a really nice spinning wheel, but those things are insanely expensive (seriously we are talking a few hundred for a "cheap" one). Who knows maybe one day I will have one :). But this whole "earth-mother" thing (as my mother calls it) has really gotten me. I enjoy every minute of it. Most of the things I am into are the things that the "hippie" mothers did in the 60's and early 70's. My family and probably 99% of my friends don't understand why I do the things I do. But they are amazing! Having these hobbies are great. They can get expensive but I love the satisfaction I get when I complete a pair of pants for Jess and put them on him or sell to someone and they love them. It is really an exciting world. Luckly I have found great "communities" (quotes because they are online forums) that have helped me feel like I am not so crazy. You should see the looks I get when I say I knit Jess's pants or am spinning yarn. People think I have gone off the deep end. And maybe I have, but since I have started all of this, I have found myself as a mother and a person. I know I am out of the "norm" being who I am, but it is a great feeling. I love every minute of it and I wouldn't change it for the world. I joke alot with Greg saying that I would fit in perfectly in the Amish and Mennonite world if I could live without my cell phone and internet. LOL.

Irritated with dumb people.

I can't understand people at all. Today I texted all of my family and Greg's family to let them all know Greg's offical deployment day and time. Within a few hours everyone in MY family had sent a text back, e-mail or something saying something like "he's in our thoughts" or "hope he safe" etc. NONE of Greg's family has said a damn thing. Greg's mom is forgiven for the moment because I know they are in Michigan in an area with really bad cell phone recepetion (so she gets a bye until they get back on Wends). But his brother and sister haven't said anything. Of all people his sister I can't believe. I mean she is former army, her husband is army (who has been deployed to 2 times to the same place Greg is going and he knows the dangers of the area). You would think they would at least call and say goodbye or something. I am probably crazy, but I think it is crappy. I have a great feeling that Greg is going to be just fine while he is deployed, but still dammit you never effing know what is going to happen in any part of life. If your family member was going to a war zone, wouldn't you want to talk to them before they left? I mean WTF?! Who does that shit? Greg wonders why I get so irritated with his family. He says this is normal family behavior but my family is "abnormal". And you know what if this is considered "normal" family behavior I want my abnormal family and I want to raise my kids to be abnormal too.

I couldn't even imagine

I just watched a show on MTV (not a normal channel for me to watch) called 16 and Pregnant. This particular episode showed a couple giving their baby up for adoption. I can't even imagine how these 16 year olds are doing it. I couldn't even fathom giving my children as an adult, let alone a teenager. I don't even know these kids and I am so proud that they made a good decision for all the right reasons (they explained it in the show). They deserve so much credit for what they did. I kept waiting for them to change their minds and tehy never did waiver. It was just so hard to watch. I cried for them, and for the adoptive parents. It's amazing that some people can make really grown up decisions that are the hardest decision they will ever make in their lives. I don't know what I would do if I was ever in their position at their age. I just have so many thoughts going through my mind right now that don't make any sense. I can't stop crying. I am seriously just bawling my eyes out over this.

Ok, sorry for rambling, I just, I mean....wow, just wow.

Parenting

I am so sick and tired of being criticized about my parenting. I know that I am a bit hard on my kids, but I want them to grow up with respect. I do not allow my children to run crazy and be extremely loud anywhere in public. This includes "family" places like McDonald's, Burger King, etc. I can't understand how people can allow their children to run around and act crazy. It's not respectful to the other people in there or even the workers. I don't mind my kids having a good time, but they don't need to be crawling around empty booths, playing tag, running indoors, screaming or being extrememly loud. To me, my children should sit on their bottoms, eat their food, then they can play quietly together or with other kids. IF there is a play area, I have no problems letting them run and be a bit louder in those areas because that is what they are designed for. I also require my children to say "yes, no thank you, please, thank you, yes ma'am/sir, no ma'am sir". It is unacceptable for my children to say "yea, uh-huh, whatever," and things of that nature. I also would wash my childs mouth out with soap if they EVER tried to say things like "I hate you" or "I don't love you" because someone doesn't give them their way. I simply will not put up with. I am starting to teach Jessiah certain things. He can't comprehend everything yet, but he knows to say please and thanks. We have issues on some days, but he is only 18 months old. He can't get it all yet!

Now let's talk about clothing. I am trying very hard to teach my 6 year old appropriate dress. It is very hard when she sees people younger than her dressed like a hoochie. I am more strick than most when it comes to clothing. We do not allow short shorts (except at home INSIDE our home), most speghetti strapped shirts, halter tops, strapless tops, dresses shorter than mid-thigh (actually a little longer on lizzie). We require her to cover her self up. She has to understand that her beauty goes much deeper than her clothes and her body. My daughter has a beautiful spirit and personality. I want people to see that rather than how long her legs are or how skinny she is. I also dress her in a very age appropriate matter. She doesn't get to wear hip hugger jeans or jeans, pants, shorts, or shirts that are extremely tight or have in appropriate graphics on them. For example, on my way to GA we stopped at a gas station to grab some snacks, I saw a girl that was lucky to be 10 years old. She was wearing a heavy amount of make up, a pair of really tight SHORT (I could see 1/2 her butt cheek sticking out) shorts, and a t-shirt that said "I make the boys drool". I about fell over flat! I couldn't imagine letting my 16 year old dress like that let alone my 10 year old. Like I said I know I am a bit extreme in the clothing area, but damn kids grow up so fast on their own, do they really have to accelerate it by the way they dress?

Say what you will about my parenting, but I get nothing but compliments on their behavior (even Jessiah's). I am constantly being told how polite, and well behaved they are. Lizzie's teacher said this year (during her big problematic months) that she was the most respectful child even during her tantrums. She would be upset over somthing and STILL would say "yes ma'am" "no ma'am" "please" and "thank you". It was kind of humourous to the teacher and principal because niether of them had ever experienced something like that before but still. Bottom line, just because I don't let my kids manipulate me and act like wild animals doesn't mean I am a bad parent. 99% of people that know my kids (and REALLY know them) can see how happy and well adjusted they are.

Cloth Diaper Info

Alright, since I have had quite a few people asking me for info on cloth diapers in the past month or so, I thought I would put it all out here for you guys. I will do a little info on each time of diaper and some links to find them. I know I will miss some things so I tried to include lots of informational pages to go to as well. I don't know much about AIO and AI2's so there isn't a whole lot of info on those, but I got what I could. So here we go:

Prefolds
Prefolds are the oldest and probably simplist and cheapest type of cloth diaper out there. When you say you are using cloth people automatically start thinking of these. Prefolds are great for new babies and no so heavy wetters. Prefolds require some sort of cover (more info to come). Now once upon a time the only option you had with prefolds were pins. Now there is a great new invention called the snappi (http://shop.thegoodmama.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=1431) that eliminates the sticks and pain of pins. Prefolds due require folding into a "diaper" shape. A good place to get different folding techniques is: http://www.thediaperhyena.com/diaper_folding101.htm. This has several different styles of folding.
Even with a diaper as simple as a prefold there are many different options. First we will start with gerber prefolds (which you can find a walmart, target, etc). These will do the trick if you need to use them. However they are not very absorbant and your baby will require alot of changes. Next we will move on to Diaper Service Quality diapers. These are what you get if you ordered a diaper service. A few stores to buy them from:
http://www.greenmountaindiapers.com/
http://www.little-lions.com/
http://www.littlesproutsdiapers.com/prefolds.htm
There are also some WAHM (work at home mom) made prefolds out there. These give you a snugger fit to your prefold, generally with less folding. A few of my favorite stores are:
http://hyenacart.com/pbellie/
http://hyenacart.com/zabibaby/

FITTEDS
These diapers go on like regular diapers and are mainly equipped with snaps or velcro. Just like the Prefolds, these do require covers. A few advantages of these over prefolds are that they are more absorbant, no pins, no folding, and are a bit easier on the go. Again you have several different types of these as well.
http://shop.thegoodmama.com/ (this is all we use)
http://www.kissaluvs.com/
http://www.thirstiesbaby.com/fab_fitted.htm
http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?cPath=28&products_id=895
http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?cPath=28&products_id=903
There are many more options for fitteds these are just a few of them out there.

Pockets
Pockets (in my opinion) one of the easiest and most convient diapers to use. They do require you to "stuff" them with inserts, but they do no require any type of cover and are water proof. They are very fast and very effective. Alot of people (myself included) have found these great for overnight use. You can buy pockets that are "sized" or you can buy one size that normally go from about 9 lbs-40 lbs. If you are going to use pockets, I highly recommend getting the One Size because then you don't have to worry about having to replace them as you baby gets bigger.
http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?cPath=98&products_id=1279
http://www.blueberrydiapers.com/products/pockets/minkysnap
http://www.pamperedcheeks.com/
http://www.babykangas.com/

All-in-Ones or All-in-Twos
AIO and AI2's are great diapers. Most of these are sized only. AIO's are all one peice just like the Pockets, but require no stuffing, however they have about 2x's the drying time as other diapers. AI2's have a snap in insert that you can change as your baby needs changing. As long as the cover isn't soiled, you don't have to replace the whole diaper.
http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?cPath=98&products_id=1811 (AIO)
http://www.jamtots.com/BerryPlush-AIO-Package-P322C30.aspx (AI2's)

Covers
Covers are one of my favorite things to talk about. You have so many different options for covers it's insane. You have your basic "wrap" cover that is made out of PUL (think raincoat material), or you have fleece soakers, wool soakers, knitted/crochet soakers, etc. Personally, I would stay away from fleece soakers as they have a tendency not to absorb and get a smell build up in them. You will be washing them more than you do diapers on some occations. However, fleece, wrap covers, and interlock wool can all be washed and dried in the machine. For fleece or wool interlock soakers, check out www.hyenacart.com and search for them, there are HUNDREDS out there. Now the next option is knitted/crochet wool. These can be a bit pricey sometimes (unless you know some one that can make them, which I do! LOL). But these normally come in shorts, pants, skirties (with bloomers attached). They are so wonderful. First of all wool only must be washed once every 2 weeks (give or take). They must be handwashed, lanolized (which you can do in the same step with the proper wash) and hung to dry. I found the love for these after my first pair, it became so easy (especially since we use fitteds) so I didn't have to have extra covers to put on over his diaper to put on pants. Contrary to popular belief wool is good all year (seriously it is Summer in Florida and Jess wears wool and his skin stays cool now and in the winter it kept him warm). If you choose this meathod, I highly recommend Ewe Need It wool wash (it has lanolin in it so it's one step to wash/lanolize!) www.hyenacart.com/eweneedit. Lastly there are wrap covers. http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?cPath=36&products_id=1284 These are very easy to use and wrap around your baby's diaper making it water proof. Only Prefolds and Fitteds need any type of cover. The others are waterproof already.

Some neccisities
No matter what kind of cloth diapers you use, you will need a Wet bag. (Again go to www.hyenacart.com and search for them you can find some great ones) This is a way to store your dirty diapers without a smell reaking around your house. If you choose to use cloth wipes (which if you are washing diapers, why not right?) just buy some baby wash cloths (24-30 is plenty for a 1 week supply) and I recommend Ewe Need It Foaming Wipes solution (www.hyenacart.com/eweneedit).

More information
www.diaperswappers.com is a great place for more information. It is a forum where people buy and sell new and used diapers at great prices. If you are looking into cloth diapers, I strongly urge you to join Diaperswappers just to chat with other moms who do use them. The ladies there give great advice and love to help people get started. You do not have to buy or sell diapers to join there.

Mind racing full of craziness

I have gotten almost everything finished for me to start school in August. I have found a great and AMAZING daycare for Jessiah. I have never felt so comfortable with a daycare in my life. I know that when I take my son there, he will be taken care of, safe, and happy. Lizzie's school is all taken care of, even her uniforms. They will be here some time this month, so she will be ready to go. But then there is me. I am scared to death. This is my last shot at school and my dream. I want so bad to do good but am so scared I will fail. Telling anyone doesn't seem to help. When I tell them, I get "you'll be fine" or (my personal favorite, lol) "whatever is meant to be will be." I think it is meant to be for me to fulfiill this dream, why else would God keep giving me the opprotunities to do it. I am so scared of Anatomy though. It is the one class that can break me. I am not scared about any other class, not even my actual nursing classes am I afraid of! But the thought of this anatomy class gives me an anxiety attack (literally) and start shaking. I want to do this not just for my own selfishness, but for my kids. I want my kids to see that even when you make mistakes in your life you can still have your dreams. But the question on my mind is can I do it? I hope I can and I hope I don't fail them.

Starting fresh

I decided to wipe my blog clean and start over. This is the new and improved blog of my life. Don't read it if you plan to bash my thoughts and opinions because I am a weird person and my thoughts do not make sense to most people other than my self.