Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I am in over my head

Have you ever felt like you were drowning? Yea, that's where I am these days. I am dealing with something pretty huge and I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone about it because the backlash would be insane. But I am at the point I can't keep it in much longer either. I am drowning in emotions and pain. I can't figure out which way is up and which way is down. I want so desperatly to go up, but everytime I see the light this thing gets in the way and blocks the light. I am scared, lost and confused. I want to get away from it all but have no way out. I feel like I am serving life without the possibility of parole. I keep telling myself that God will get me through it and He will stop it, but so far He hasn't. He keeps standing back and letting it happen. I am afraid that one of these days it's going to be too late for me fix the problem myself because my faith keeps telling me to let God handle it. I am beginning to wonder if maybe I have pushed God away too much in the past. Maybe he doesn't want to help me since I wouldn't believe in him when I should have. So much of the past I believed when I was scared. But I haven't been for a while now. My faith hasn't waivered one bit, I mean sure I get upset/angry with God, but who doesn't every now and then? It's hard to believe in something when you aren't sure what is comming around the corner (I know, I know that is faith, but you get the idea). I am just begging for Him to show me the way to fix this but He doesn't seem to hear me. Maybe the answer is so simple that I am missing it completely (wouldn't be the first time on that either). I know most of you who read this are prayer-type people. I am asking that you will pray for me. I know it's an odd request, but please pray for an end to this, I don't know how much more I can take.

1 comment:

  1. I wasn't going to comment, but I decided to anyway. Maybe its a God thing for me to reply. I dunno. Do with it what you will.

    Sometimes simply praying that God will "solve" a problem or show you something is not enough. Sometimes YOU have to make a choice and trust God to see you through your choices and actions. If your husband were beating you daily, praying for God to make it stop, isn't going to make it end. You won't wake up one day with an amazing husband who never lays a hand on you again. God might intervene in some way, but chances are you would have to make a stand and do something to save yourself, and THEN God will get you through it.

    God does not and never has abandoned you. He allows us to suffer for a reason. Its almost always beyond us, but that's just God. He already knows what choice you're going to make. Maybe He's just waiting on you this time, instead of you waiting on Him. Maybe He's already shown you the way, you just have been too afraid to do it.

    God is not a superhero. He doesn't swoop in and save the day at the last minute. He is supernatural being who our Daddy, and sometimes He just has to let us do our own thing or we'll never learn.